Have you ever looked at the stars on a clear night and wondered how vast the universe is? How much is out there? How much we don’t know? In fact, you don’t even need to look out of this planet to feel the magnitude of life itself —there’s so much right here and even more inside yourself.
It’s infinite how much I don’t know that I don’t know but I want to …and now I can.
In 2014 I was in a very different place. I was in the deepest, darkest place I had ever been and I wanted to kill myself. For 20 years I had been studying everything related to spirituality that you can imagine, but all had become meaningless and I was beyond stuck. It all began one day in the fall of 1994…
I had just watched Forrest Gump and was walking back from the cinema which was a few blocks from my house in Veracruz, Mexico. I was ecstatic, at the time I thought that was the most beautiful movie I had ever seen and it inspired me to ask the question —which I said with such conviction that I just knew someone was listening:
“I want to know you, I know that you exist but everybody’s got it wrong, this I know… Everyone goes around asserting that you are this and you are that but you’re not this and you’re not that —that you’re mine but not theirs and everyone who doesn’t agree with “My Truth” is wrong.”
It was so stupid, I knew this. I had been raised Catholic, I had been raised to believe that we were the ones who got it right and everyone else was wrong, and worse; that they’ll all be going to hell to burn for all eternity because they didn’t know “The Truth” and if I didn’t follow the rules that would also become my destiny! …I mean, how arrogant and cruel is that?
Knowing that my whole spiritual upbringing was a lie or at best a mistake, enraged me and like a madman, I screamed out loud (in Spanish of course :) on the sidewalk:
“Who are you?, I want to know you… you!, I know that you exist, that you are real but you’re so much more than what I’ve been taught …I know that you’re the same for every religion, it’s just that everyone twists you to fit their own interpretation of the truth, this I know, I know!”
It was my certainty that opened the door. I began my search and also started my first band. Two years later I had learned a little and I was as excited as any teen would be with their first band and we were not half that bad… but I felt lost. I was angry that I hadn’t found my answer.
It was in the summer of 1996 that the answer was delivered to me on the night of my father’s funeral. As we were about to go to sleep, I talked to my half sister (which is 16 years older than me) and told her how lost and confused I felt; that I needed guidance. She told me that she also felt lost and confused but that lately she’s been finding solace in a book. She said:
“I have a book and I think it’s magical, every time I open it at random, I read the answer I need. Here it is, I hope it may help you”.
I stayed up reading until the sun came up the next morning and my life was changed …little did I know that was just the beginning. I thought I had found “The Truth”, but it took me many years to realize (even though it was clearly stated in the book) that what I had found was just the clearest philosophy I had read up to that point.
The next two years were awesome but also weird. I got to have and experience many things, I had found power. But even though everything around me was the way I thought I wanted it, I would go through strange emotional ups and downs. I didn’t understand why; after all, I knew “The Truth”.
During the next 16 years I wholeheartedly threw myself into the study of practical spiritual mysticism. During this time, even though I had many breakthroughs and most of the time I was flying high; the more I learned, the more the ups and downs kept intensifying and the less I was able to keep it together. This kept getting worse and worse up to the point that I thought I had run out of options and by that point the magic was gone. I felt powerless. I was a freaking walking library, I could speak the most amazing stuff but I felt like a fraud, I was a mess.
By the summer of 2014 I didn’t feel like doing anything anymore so I slept most of the time, but even then my dreams were starting to become nightmares. My only escape was escaping me. It was at this point that I began contemplating suicide. I thought about it every day for months …and then I had a breakthrough.
I started to paint.
I had to do something to get the idea of suicide out of my head but I didn’t want to paint anything …and this is when I got the idea:
“Then do just that… don’t paint anything!”.
So I began to paint without a clue to what I was painting and it was amazing. I had found another door… in every stroke was the unknown and my own healing. I was traveling, learning of things that have no words and can’t be misunderstood. And even more amazing: it was me who was making it happen.
I made my own door and off I went…
Now I know that the journey has no end. Teachers and teachings are important but they can’t tell you The Truth. No one can. There comes a time when you have to make your own door.
Since then I’ve discovered other doors. I keep studying everything I can get my hands on, but now I see systems and teachings as wood to my fire not as the fire itself. And every time I forget who I am; I just create, sometimes it takes some work to get the download, but the doors keep showing up…
I’m excited about the future.